scream

It wasnt all pmt, iv never really suffered from PMT, i dont think so, or depression. Am I in denial , some may say I am. I been down for a few days, beaten by food & life. My eating plan went belly up - crap, then I felt down thinking never gona loose 9 pounds, then i felt down about myself, life turnout. All this while, when I see ppl I kno, ppl that care I maintain a happy go exterior. What am I doing!

Im calmer today, since started periods yesterday feel better for it, cravings have backed down. Im in a permission phase, can eat what I WANT , if I want, secretly hoping good behaviour habits will kick in & I wont go to be slobby self as before. Its 50% working, permission works, ive managed my 5 aday of fruit & veg, my water and kept my junk to 1-300 calories. I jumped rope for the first time since a kid yesterday for 10 mins & today for 10 mins. I feel iv become that person I always read about u kno, yo-yos, loosers, ppl say i cant seem to loose weight no matter what I try. I cant get out of this hole of a life ,im trying. Its not good enough, never tho8 it would happen to you , well it happend to me. My own little hell, kick in the guts. I dont want anyone to save me, cos I cant see anyone saving me, and I cant see how they could , ive got to do it. Cant help that nigglee feeling when u see in the movies, read in the stories, hey he or she entered my life and it took a different course. Its me. I want a future where I am, around the ppl I care abt, I future I can be exicted about. It wont happen here, cos it hasnt, so look out - the Search Begins

Pray for me all, wish me luck. I never knew when I joint this site how important it would become at times just to vent my ramblings to myself, yet it is good to know ppl read it , even if they say nowt. That matters that some one else know. Lifes cloak & dagger aint it?? I dont tell anyone how Im feeling here in real person, thou doesnt take a brain genious to work it out. On her this blog no1 knows me in person , but I can say all I feel. uuuuuummmmm.

Going to the gym later - why -habit + nowt better to do! I’m pretty pathetic. Cheers for listening!

Hi - for a wk now I have set myself a simple new challenge - to eat when I feel hungry! Its so dam hard. To explain its been a while since dec that I have logged on here. Why - desperation , avoiding this and the scales since. I know I have put on weight over the holidays period - dam - but pleased it is not as much as I started with here - how - nope not the scales - its my clothes they still fit & are not as tight as initially started. I can still just about squeeze into my ideal jean size. - ( thought cant walk out in it - id be a laughing stock - way to tight)! lol. 

 So all my hard work here is not undone though I dont want to remain at this stage I want to hit my target weight, fit them jeans like they meant to fit - not someone wearing clothes to tight for them.

After a 2 wk break, for 2 wks now I have kept up 3x wkly excercise sessions though slacked of the daily 10k walking steps. Yes I think this is me for now - settling into normal life - what habits have stuck have stuck, & what has failed has failed ( eating plans, calorie counting).

I kno to reach the next stage I need to retackle myself in new weighs- cant expect better results with same or less effort  can I? Its not happening.

So last few weeks I have read a number of health books - like the china study - anone heard of that? and even watched 2 episodes of I can make u thin telly & 2 episodes of x-weighted on sky tv. I know what Im doing - i do this to scare myself in to moving my butt, eating less, calorie counting - but thats no different to the past.

I KNOW from everything to date - the power of my weight lies in what I eat. Lies in regaining control in what goes in my mouth. In a month from now I will let you all know HOW my im progessing at this new challenge. I believe there is sense in these thoghts:-

1. To eat when I feel hungry.

Feel hungry that is a feeling in my stomach, tummy not in my mouth or thoughts uuum nice to have a chocalate now etc. I am much an emotional eater and to my past efforts a habitual eater. whether Im hungry or not i want to eat in the morning, lunch, tea, dinner = i must or I feel im missing out. Now WHEN ever I WANT TO eat I ask myself - yes you would like to eat something but is that you greedy eyes you savouring tongue , your sabotataging thoughts asking you or is it you physical hunger - does you stomach say feed me. Its really hard distingusing this feeling - because for so long i have focused on eating small but regular - keeping full to avoid overeating, feeling starvation thought the day and keep the calories at bay. I HAVE FORGOTTEN what it feels like to be physically not emotionally hungry. This morning when I awoke I DID NOT feel hungry but out of habit i could have easily have ate 2 toasts, buttered, an egg, cup of coffee , 2 biscuits etc. Instead I had a glass of water, a plum and a handful of dry oatmeal crunch with a cup of tea - why the habits stil there, I need to learn to break it , so like nicotine patches taking it insteps. Since then I HAVE been waiting to feel physical hunger (no not feelings of being starved cos that will lead to overeating). Soon as i feel a physical inclination of hunger I WILL GO TO THE KITCHEN AND EAT.

2. EAT WHAT - nope not anything or everything like ’i can make you think’ adovcates - that surely will lead to poorer eating choices. My focus remains that a third 1/3 of what i eat , any main meal or snack has to consist of healthy foods. That is vegetables, fruit, plant based foods. This is  a must, there rest can me whatever a cookie ( never more than 2 at any one time etc). I dont deprive myself of anything just carry on and keep it in moderation - this is something i have learnted and managaing to date much of the time I think).

3. Eat CONSIOUSLY - taste and enjoy every mouth full - slowly. and learn to reconise when my body says i’m full. No not overate, bloatish, eating and i know I dont need to anymore. Beleive me this is the difficult bit - learning to stop - learning to put in smaller protions, learning to not finish everything on your plate. Just stop when you physically dont need to, eat less of everyghint so you have room for desert etc. OTHER DAY i went for a pizza meal with friends who were ordering starters & desert. I opted for a change to go for main meal & desert & cut out the starters - beacause i knew it was all too much food. I would eat it all as I was paying for it - but I was going to be OVEReating as i knew i didnt need all that at once. It turned out I only had main course  - no desert - why I was full. I told myself I know better - when you feel hungry again - physically hungry - go an have your desert - not big deal, dont make it one.

I’m trying to change my behaviour, habits to eatings, ones that dont deprive me or keep me fat. But keep me healthy and full when I am physically hungry. I hope with these 3 rules - and combined 3/4 a wk exercise i see some results in a month - i will let you know.

For now following these 3 key rules is not difficult, but does take effort - cos you have to think not just instantaneously reach for food. To explain previously when ive felt like having chocalate you know - but im trying to loose weight so  ive reached for an apple - less damage control. Point is I AM still overeating , physically im not hungry im emotionally hungry or out of habit thinks is mid afternoon lets have some food. NO NO NO - I NEED to eat when Im physically hungry - the bodys say you need bit of food ( again that is when its slighty hungry - no pointing waiting for it become starving as i will over eat - who woudnt then).  

 Wish me luck - i think if i can behavourally get around these rules so they become a bit of a habit - then i should not only reach my target goal but effortlessly keep it of & get on with life as it should be.

xxx