scream

It wasnt all pmt, iv never really suffered from PMT, i dont think so, or depression. Am I in denial , some may say I am. I been down for a few days, beaten by food & life. My eating plan went belly up - crap, then I felt down thinking never gona loose 9 pounds, then i felt down about myself, life turnout. All this while, when I see ppl I kno, ppl that care I maintain a happy go exterior. What am I doing!

Im calmer today, since started periods yesterday feel better for it, cravings have backed down. Im in a permission phase, can eat what I WANT , if I want, secretly hoping good behaviour habits will kick in & I wont go to be slobby self as before. Its 50% working, permission works, ive managed my 5 aday of fruit & veg, my water and kept my junk to 1-300 calories. I jumped rope for the first time since a kid yesterday for 10 mins & today for 10 mins. I feel iv become that person I always read about u kno, yo-yos, loosers, ppl say i cant seem to loose weight no matter what I try. I cant get out of this hole of a life ,im trying. Its not good enough, never tho8 it would happen to you , well it happend to me. My own little hell, kick in the guts. I dont want anyone to save me, cos I cant see anyone saving me, and I cant see how they could , ive got to do it. Cant help that nigglee feeling when u see in the movies, read in the stories, hey he or she entered my life and it took a different course. Its me. I want a future where I am, around the ppl I care abt, I future I can be exicted about. It wont happen here, cos it hasnt, so look out - the Search Begins

Pray for me all, wish me luck. I never knew when I joint this site how important it would become at times just to vent my ramblings to myself, yet it is good to know ppl read it , even if they say nowt. That matters that some one else know. Lifes cloak & dagger aint it?? I dont tell anyone how Im feeling here in real person, thou doesnt take a brain genious to work it out. On her this blog no1 knows me in person , but I can say all I feel. uuuuuummmmm.

Going to the gym later - why -habit + nowt better to do! I’m pretty pathetic. Cheers for listening!