Dark nights, Feeling p.Low :( & worried
Hey, I think im going through a breakdown. what happened, last night a friend found success, i was so pleased for her, she deserves it, deserves the break. After celebrating, I went home , felt sad, inadequate at my own failures & ended up crying, worried about my own future. = i dont do crying = i dont = its not me, yet here I am. Worried , worried , worried, I wont ever get a half decent job, wont have a family, i’ll end up an old senile, pathetic escuse of a human wondering the streets. Sounds dramatic doesnt it, but it feels like that, one side of my brain says u never know whats around the corner. But the corner doesnt turn.. for a long long long time. Pretty much worried my life wont amount to much. Those that care , looking at me , i can see it in their eyes they think the same fears, I put a brave face on, like things will change, what if they never, they havent yet, u cant wish up a worthy life. It takes guts, sweat & a lot of luck, divine intervention, lucky streak, call it what u want. Many ppl struggle through life = look at half the world in tatters. Problem is im very lucky vs them but here Im life in the real world which consist of ppl making it, job, sercurity, family etc & compared to them = the real life day in day out to me , ive failed. I dont believe in reincarnation, if i did man did i get it wrong in the last life, as im being punished now. I dont believe in karma, man if it exists its killing my soul , especially last night.
Still wishing I could just wake up somewhere new, away from family friends, this shitty life. Just start day 1, start anew. Why cant I walk away nothing to hold me down, its culturally , is responsibilities. I feel obliged to check in my mom, for all her faults I love her. I have been bought up believe that I have a responsibility to be responsible, there when ur own need u, to be something, not let the family down. Needless to say in my current state I have, am a let down. I wish to go of & never come back literally, or is make something of myself & come back. Is that what life is , walking out on ppl who care abt u, dont deserve it, so you can make something. In this world family is not easy to come buy nor are real friends, relationships built on time spent together & equally if u move on, u cant expect them to be there w8ing for u, feeling the same, cos ur not there for them when they needed it, ur gone, the love, glad ur back, do they forgive u for running out on them cos life got tough for u, no, its not fair. Come back & they’ve moved on & u’ve not been around when theyve need u, that support, or come back & u dont matter too much as time passed , it matters no longer that a daughter, sister, best friend is nt there, learn to live with out you. Life is not about cutting out relationships, but right now Im a embarrassing failure to em, like you wouldnt believe. And I cant seem to get out of it, work wise, I keep getting knock back, to over qualifed to how do u explain last yr out of work - I cant , ive tried, it didnt happen.
Its all very well wondering of, f’ it and go, go where. I cant below the crumbs of security I have for a hippy life wondering, hoping to hit my mark somewhere, cause while the journey of traveeler appeals like 2000% , it needs money to walk, eat, be safe, enjoy. What if u get sick - ur buggered, break a leg, u buggered. Need help & kno, no1 ur buggered - guess ive taken off the rose tinted glasses. Is hard on ur own too isnt it. Thinking of tusami victums, loosing all, everyone close u kno = its miserable, starting out on ur own. Should I count my lucky blessing & keep hard at it here, but nothing working for my life, which is why I want to start a fresh, feel afresh, & yes hide.
I need to work hard, very hard, dog hard to turn my life around - wil it happen - wish someone would say yes. I’m so sad, sad, and tired of going nowhere.
On the good note, im a mess. I stuck a cutting of obma of all ppl on my wall. How crazy,I dont live in the US,I dont love politics all that much, but his rise, gives me faith in people, society. Its not him, its the positive belief in socitey that is represents, that I say comon = look to that picture & go give life a go, park the failures. Ideas, notions are great, we all can say lets go to mars = problems is knowing how to get there. Will I die just trying like I am - nothing. F this. What madness have I wrote to myself today.
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‘Faith is a bluebird that comes from a far, it’s as clear and as bright as the first evening star. You can’t touch it, or buy it, or wrap it up tight. But it’s there just the same, making things turn out right’
I promise things will get better. Right now you are just in the ’shitty’ phase. I totally know what you are going through.. that happened to me for 3 years straight and it was hell. I was very sad, and didn’t really have a best friend that I could talk to because either they were going through the same thing, or I didn’t want to be the one to be bringing bad news to everyone. It WILL get better. Just try to be patient.
this may sound crazy, but go apply as an english teacher in a foriegn country. it’s a job, you will have work and an income, and it will give you time to look at what you really want to be doing. figure that one out, and go for it! you, everyone, i think needs some passion, something bigger than themself. it’s taken me a long time to figure out the direction that i need to be going in, and i’m still not totally sure, but i’m getting there. and i hate to say this, but waiting around isn’t going to bring anything. if you want something, go get it. work for it. and even if you fail, even if you don’t accomplish what you set out to do, you still have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your best. but seriously, i remember you talking about wanting to get out before. so get out! do this for yourself! i know it may be hard, but think about it. and if you want any info about teaching and so on in japan, i will be happy to answer any question you have. think about it though- it’s a job, money, and an opportunity to travel. and it’ll probably give you a lot more confidence in life overall. hang in there, don’t give up. things will get better, but it will take work. i hope i haven’t been to harsh, i just really do want to see you happy!