scream

HOW DO i feel? Yes what am I thinking? Lets capture this bull, keep the momentum alive a little longer.. I spent a few days away , city break they call it. Kipping on a m8s couch.. I cant really afford the travel, but took it for a breath of fresh air. City life is hard, lot of busy ppl, & run down areas vs inner city sloth?  I spent it enjoying a laugh for a change with m8s.. I paid my way where I had to & kindly accept hospitality where offered.

I wish I could have done more in return for the hospitality, right now I cant. Mayb m8 tho8 I was taking liberaties, maybe they didnt mind. I dont know. Life goes on, comes around - soon I hope to repay the kindness. & yes they realise my fiances with much of my life in the crap, but I didnt talk about it & so they didnt to.  IS THIS denial, having a break, running away from my problems.

Did I love what I saw, kindof - the lure of being able to afford ur own life… with the lonliness of a city of busy ppl, rich & poor living side by side when it comes to trains. Looking at the sky from one block & at other blocks.

I didnt want that life - I want my own - one that spurs me on.

 Weight wise - I ate , I ate a lot of cake - it was offered. I also kept up eating my 5 fruit & veg aday, water 8 cups perhaps more tea than should have been.

I was extremely pleased with myself - through this lazy wknd I went for an 1hr walk - 20 walk, 40 jog. A few years ago my fitness levels would never have been able to handle this. This is a personal ‘achievement’ Id say albeit a small one.

Feel for u all, the relentless struggle of wieght loss.

I have not weighed in friday gone.. will do this friday, hoping a maintain, not a gain.x

• Seven Deadly Sins

  Lust

  Gluttony

  Greed

  Sloth

  Wrath

  Envy

  Pride

• Seven Heavenly Virtues (opposite of the deadly sins)

  Chastity

  Temperance

  Charity

  Diligence

  Patience

  Kindness

  Humility

i HAD  a filliped out wkned, ate 4000 calories over 2 days and of which 1500 were safely chocalaaaaaaaaaattttttteee. Uumm what a disaster. I still, still went to excercise class, jumped rope, ate 6 helpings of fruit and veg.

How do i feel , bummed at pig out - reaaly want to achive a 2lb drop this wknd, really pround that i kept the eating right fruit & veg + excercise up. I kno, i kno this will not mitigate the calorie damage, as I have sabotaged this wks w8 loss. But I feel better for knowing inspite of my choc binge , good stuff is kicking in not dissapearing.

My focus for the wk = reduce the empty cals, eating of junk from 300 a day to 150 a day , it will allow me to meet daily calo range of 11-1300 cal I hope, pray indeed.

Realisation of the wk = ive been in denial. Guess i tho8 to be reall emotional eating I would be eating cos major upsett happend. I have over last 7-10 acknowlege that not much has to happen to lead me to be emotionally eating. Im bored, lets eat… I didnt go out or get invite… lets eat.. I cant do this or that properly, something very simple… lets eat. It doesnt take much to tip the edge to emtionall eating. Now I see ma self doing it I hope I can challenge it, over come it - the son of gun!

What would you do if u knew you would not fail?  Wow what a superb and simple question i read this on ‘thrive’ buddy’s site. It made me feel exicted & overwhelmed & happy & what a world, my world would be, if you knew everything was dead cert - wow- does anyone else feel this? Thanks thrive.

After, what I call a mini-break down , & confessing it on here. I feel better, not that much has changed in life but I feel better. For the last 10 days I have managed to fit in a helping of 7 fruit & veg daily… junk food has been down at 2-300 calories daily, water is going in at 8-10 glassess a day…. however what wont stop is  sorry to say this is the ‘loose stools’, its getting to me, been going on for 9 days now, not seen a healthy ’solid’ one for a while. The subject is offputting to say the least, but u are what u eat and they are a sign of how ur digestive systems is - this is not good. Can it be that I have double my fruit veg intake , or that I have reduced my dairy intake. Is my body going through a detox of some sort or what?  It will settle down - i dont kno what to think.

On the excercise front , its relentless, jumped rope 5 days with 2 day break, also did 3 excercise sessions over the wk. Its all good on this front, now to sort the rest of me out- if only that was as easy to kick of! Thank for listening, being their buddies.x

This morning I had a great breakfast, a lovely bowl of weetabix, bran cereal and I enjoyed it…. Then after many months of no icecream ( I cant recall my last tub)… I went to the freezer and pulled out a cookie dough vanilla icecream tub. I ate the entire contents consisting of shocking 700 calories + my breaky means I ate 90% of my daily calories at breaky - shite! Shite! but remember Im in permission phase - i may eat what I like and stop when i LIKE. .. Clearly this is taking the mick, I need to focus on the latter - stop when I like… During the day I also ate 1/4 of parking cake = 250 calories, had 1 crisp pkt = 120 calories, sweeets = 70 calories… What am I doing, what AM i doing? WHATS going on - not having a bad day or owt…

On the positive I did jump rope for 10 min this morning plus add in a nother 10 mins of weight resistance= hardly gona combat my eating feast though is it!  I need to get a grip but yet not beat my self up = stay in permission phase

A friend once told me, all the thoughts you have neg or positive , imagine each one on a cloud floating by. All states float by, let them tho8s go, don’t be controlled by them…uuummm Trying.

For the last 4 days I have got up in the morning and jumped rope for 10 mints or attempted it. My problem trying to do it all, so iv decided any home excercise activities are going to be short & sweet & effective. As though IV enjoyed pilates im struggling to put the hours in  - not cos i AINT got the time, its motiviation, u kno good old struggle - one side of the brain right says you should, the left side some reason doesnt let u put that in to action. So 10, maybe 15 minutes is all. .. over a wk should add up to an hour + the 3 excercise classes I do attend should help I hope.

After a wk , with pmt ova , my weight went down a couple of pounds … cool in to the wkend I ate 4 slices of pizza, 4 mini mars rolls, 3 butter scones = this is over the course of fri, sat, sun & mon…= its alot . Did I feel guilty, a bit = is this is yo-yo going on again , perhaps looks like it. Then I reminded myself I am in permission phase - permission phase means, you can eat what u want, whenever, its okay. Yet secrettly I hope the good habit iVE BEEn guild tripping myself into for mnts will kick In, I will think its okay to eat what I want and its okay to STOP when I want. I give myself permission to stop at 1 biscuit, to stop at 3 pinches of dark chocalate bits. Permission is not just eat what u want but both sides of the coin stop when u want.  What a brain war, at what a silly level , what about the bigger picture how the earth goes round, who cares , the earth doesnt seem to care about me, its the little picture , the focus that bugs me  at the mo.

I have inspite of the wknd ate my 5/6 a day of fruit & veg & I am proud of that, proud , proud , proud, and more proud.

Im so pathetic!

It wasnt all pmt, iv never really suffered from PMT, i dont think so, or depression. Am I in denial , some may say I am. I been down for a few days, beaten by food & life. My eating plan went belly up - crap, then I felt down thinking never gona loose 9 pounds, then i felt down about myself, life turnout. All this while, when I see ppl I kno, ppl that care I maintain a happy go exterior. What am I doing!

Im calmer today, since started periods yesterday feel better for it, cravings have backed down. Im in a permission phase, can eat what I WANT , if I want, secretly hoping good behaviour habits will kick in & I wont go to be slobby self as before. Its 50% working, permission works, ive managed my 5 aday of fruit & veg, my water and kept my junk to 1-300 calories. I jumped rope for the first time since a kid yesterday for 10 mins & today for 10 mins. I feel iv become that person I always read about u kno, yo-yos, loosers, ppl say i cant seem to loose weight no matter what I try. I cant get out of this hole of a life ,im trying. Its not good enough, never tho8 it would happen to you , well it happend to me. My own little hell, kick in the guts. I dont want anyone to save me, cos I cant see anyone saving me, and I cant see how they could , ive got to do it. Cant help that nigglee feeling when u see in the movies, read in the stories, hey he or she entered my life and it took a different course. Its me. I want a future where I am, around the ppl I care abt, I future I can be exicted about. It wont happen here, cos it hasnt, so look out - the Search Begins

Pray for me all, wish me luck. I never knew when I joint this site how important it would become at times just to vent my ramblings to myself, yet it is good to know ppl read it , even if they say nowt. That matters that some one else know. Lifes cloak & dagger aint it?? I dont tell anyone how Im feeling here in real person, thou doesnt take a brain genious to work it out. On her this blog no1 knows me in person , but I can say all I feel. uuuuuummmmm.

Going to the gym later - why -habit + nowt better to do! I’m pretty pathetic. Cheers for listening!

Hey, I think im going through a breakdown. what happened, last night a friend found success, i was so pleased for her, she deserves it, deserves the break. After celebrating, I went home , felt sad, inadequate at my own failures & ended up crying, worried about my own future. = i dont do crying = i dont = its not me, yet here I am. Worried , worried , worried, I wont ever get a half decent job, wont have a family, i’ll end up an old senile, pathetic escuse of a human wondering the streets. Sounds dramatic doesnt it, but it feels like that, one side of my brain says u never know whats around the corner. But the corner doesnt turn.. for a long long long time. Pretty much worried my life wont amount to much. Those that care , looking at me , i can see it in their eyes they think the same fears, I put a brave face on, like things will change, what if they never, they havent yet, u cant wish up a worthy life. It takes guts, sweat & a lot of luck, divine intervention, lucky streak, call it what u want. Many ppl struggle through life = look at half the world in tatters. Problem is im very lucky vs them but here Im life in the real world which consist of ppl making it, job, sercurity, family etc & compared to them = the real life day in day out to me , ive failed. I dont believe in reincarnation, if i did man did i get it wrong in the last life, as im being punished now. I dont believe in karma, man if it exists its killing my soul , especially last night.

Still wishing I could just wake up somewhere new, away from family friends, this shitty life. Just start day 1, start anew. Why cant I walk away nothing to hold me down, its culturally , is responsibilities. I feel obliged to check in my mom, for all her faults I love her. I have been bought up believe that I have a responsibility to be responsible, there when ur own need u,  to be something, not let the family down. Needless to say in my current state I have, am a let down. I wish to go of & never come back literally, or is make something of myself & come back. Is that what life is , walking out on ppl who care abt u, dont deserve it, so you can make something. In this world family is not easy to come buy nor are real friends, relationships built on time spent together & equally if u move on, u cant expect them to be there w8ing for u, feeling the same, cos ur not there for them when they needed it, ur gone, the love, glad ur back, do they forgive u for running out on them cos life got tough for u, no, its not fair.  Come back & they’ve moved on & u’ve not been around when theyve need u, that support, or come back & u dont matter too much as time passed , it matters no longer  that a daughter, sister, best friend is nt there, learn to live with out you. Life is not about cutting out relationships, but right now Im a embarrassing failure to em, like you wouldnt believe. And I cant seem to get out of it, work wise, I keep getting knock back, to over qualifed to how do u explain last yr out of work - I cant , ive tried, it didnt happen.

Its all very well wondering of, f’ it and go, go where. I cant below the crumbs of security I have for a hippy life wondering, hoping to hit my mark somewhere, cause while the journey of traveeler appeals like 2000% , it needs money to walk, eat, be safe, enjoy. What if u get sick - ur buggered, break a leg, u buggered. Need help & kno, no1 ur buggered - guess ive taken off the rose tinted glasses. Is hard on ur own too isnt it. Thinking of tusami victums, loosing all, everyone close u kno = its miserable, starting out on ur own. Should I count my lucky blessing & keep hard at it here, but nothing working for my life, which is why I want to start a fresh, feel afresh, & yes hide.

I need to work hard, very hard, dog hard to turn my life around - wil it happen - wish someone would say yes. I’m so sad, sad, and tired of going nowhere.

On the good note, im a mess. I stuck a cutting of obma of all ppl on my wall. How crazy,I dont live in the US,I dont love politics all that much, but his rise, gives me faith in people, society. Its not him, its the positive belief in socitey that is represents, that I say comon = look to that picture & go give life a go, park the failures. Ideas, notions are great, we all can say lets go to mars = problems is knowing how to get there. Will I die just trying like I am - nothing. F this. What madness have I wrote to myself today.

Extended Families: - I was thinking about it -  family tree, ours is so spread out, across countries & I for one am out of touch. I only really keep up with my siblings, a couple of cousins,  the rest is too much, to spread, to farcical =”keeping up appearances”. I find it draining & don’t bother with them anymore, especially felt this whole pointless feeling at a recent family funeral, it was like sharing my grief with family - 90% of whom I only see at funerals, why should I share my grief with these people, they dont care who I am , or interested, so why should I, they were there cos they knew the deceased or felt obliged to attend, were family we should, not particular had a close relationship at all with the deceased. I mean whats the point i.e.  I never saw tom, dick or harry when I was growing up, & i why bother now?

Out of respect for your family -  I know this upsets my mom especially = like why not, speaking to my siblings? Perhaps I would feel the same in her place? I dont know? What I do know is  simply because by some stroke of blood ours is related - for that reason I should make an effort call, have mindless conversations. I mean speak at births, deaths, marriages, I dont think it needs to be more than that unless u feel a personal unity, like Id like to get to kno u, he, her better, we have something incommon etc.. otherwise I thinks it fine to stay out of touch, including aunt & uncles - where at such different wavelenghts too. Have I got it all wrong here?

Toxic Family Members : I dont know about other people but we have a one or two unsavoury ones in our families, be they partners to my loved ones or siblings to my parents. They are in my view not worthy of exchanging pleasantries - am I taking it too far? I ask you. For instance … 1.The sleaze whos turned over a new leaf & maybe I should give him a chance for the sake of the kids : what I dont think so, they’ll grow wise to see the jerk inhim or maybe not. The children - teenagers - know & feel upsett that I think there father is a jerk. He had a sleezy past & thou swears has changed for sake of his family , I’m not convinced at all.  2.Then theres my bro girlfriend, I made an effort with her, but  shes a handful, very very charming to ur face and then a complete liabilty behind ur back, i.e shes let one too many things Iv told her in confidence out to people I wouldnt want knowing. Why? She comes out with plausible excuses, but for me its not good enough and  more annoyting than anything.  I just dont want to put up with her more than I have too, i.e. I made excuseS and not turned up at soical dos,  why should I have too spend more time with her than neccessary- i mean I would never pick her as a freind . I kno my bro wanted us to like her, but its hard, I wish him well but personally dont want much to do with her than whats neccessary odd family meal. Am i being horrible? 3.The helpful uncle yes it aint that bad ,what I mean is he’s a very helpful person ,  put his money where his mouth is etc helps where he can throughout the years be it family or friends.  Problem, well yes - as a teenager he made a few passes at me, he was about 19 then. I find this niggly, yes nothing happened & never has since, nor now me being adult too , having crossed pathes many times though the years , nor have we ever talked about it. But it niggles at me, it was inappropiate, i didnt mention it to anyone like my mom, why I found it embarrassing & thought forget all about it. But every now and again it lingers in my brain,  it should have not happend but it did, since then Ive kno I have kept this helpful  guy at arms length,  i.e. limit conversations etc I didnt bother attending his bday parties  etc like i aint wasting time around at this idiot, he aint all though even if no1 else cant see. Why should they he never made an inappropriate pass at them? The thing is have i read too much in to this one off mistake.Should I let the whole thing pass, am I making something out of nothing.?  The thing that annoys me is that the does  look out for  every ones best interests & I dont doubt that, but this mistake he made makes me unconfortable. Then again it was veerry long time ago.Why is this a problem today well hes in a bit or trouble = lifes ups & down & could do with help. Well frankly I dont want to help = why cos I think of this niggle & think now ur not all that, u mr. could have messed me up , u didnt, but ur tried. But it was a pass not that sinister , have I dwelled on it too long, u kno media influence etc - I mean this situation could have been me as a teenager in a pub & getting made a pass at my some immature 19 yr old.   Am I being silly, should i let it go & just help?  I’m confused.

I dont know why I have wrote all this today, not like any of it was weighing on my mind.  Ur advice would help - lots - help sort out my thoughts ! thank buddies

I felt sad after watching this movie & getting it at the end. Today I have read a few ‘HOPEFUL’ blogs and its felt more than nice, it felt like a power boost. Im tired but these blogs, 4rm ppl on very difficult paths, loosing loves ones to simply being stuck in the weight rut for many years = all had the same message = DONT GIVE UP ON URSELF. DO not do it, do not give up on urself. Somewhere along the way I have, I dont know how it happened, maybe I always had. Ahh man, I dont make sense. I hope to become hopeful, act on it & Not Give Up On My Self.

I ate 1800 kcal today, from 10.00 am in the morning to 1 am at night.. every few hours. I certainly didnt feel like I was overeating or eating full, yes I wish I could have ate more. Reading what others have wrote I need to refocus my mindset on not thinking im eating less and missing out but Im eating plentiful here to look good, anymore will bring misery.!