scream

U guys - crap. For some reason I lost it the last few days. I ate 2000 calories yesteday - why , not particulary a bad day but ate 5 shortbread biscuits, pkt of crisp, + lemon cake slice = all amounting to 800+ kcal I really dont need. Aww man, I really did not want to document this in my food diary = running away yes - call it that. I faced the shame & wrote it. Also only excercised 3 x this week = 3 hrs, barely any walking ..whats going on, why am i sabotaging myself. I read up on the shangai-something oil diet too = sounds ridiculous. Hope I manage to bring myself in to line this week. Im trying not to beat myself up too much on failure & tell myself look u ate ur 5 fruit & veg every days , just get back to letting go of cakes, crips, biscuits - you can do it. I can also tell u this that one thing that has improved in the good old days a binge was 2500+ calories , so thought i binge it is less than before.

I would really like to loose 9 lbs = a mere 9 lbs look like 9 mount everests!

Hiya all — just an update really for the last 5 days I have managed to get throught the days finally by cutting Down  on milk chocalate bars and biscuits followed by cakes. A bar every few dyas, 3-4 biscuits a day, 2 slices a cake a week - all amounted to  a saving of 2-3000 calories a week - contributing to what I hope to see soon a loss of a pound. To manage my cravings I have bought a tub of dark chocalate flakes. I have a pinch or 2 of these daily to feed the chocalate, biscuit - emotional craving. so far its keeping it at bay… last night I really felt like pigging out on a slice of syrup cake - 350 cals but instead settle for tea + a plain biscuit = 70 kcal. I felt immensly proud of myself - for managing to manage proportions.

I dont know where the will power has come from - i have put on a few desperate, whining blogs lately. I have even questioned the purpose of excercising ( which I have been doing routinely 3 times a wk) and point of trying to eat healthy.

I dont know - read a lot on the net of people health battles, read up on the scares of junk food eating . Have thought I would really like to have a lean body, I would like to eat healthy much of the time, so the odd bday cake - is a joy and guilt free ( not thinking thats gona take 2 gym sessions to undoo). Fair to say by not eating right & still excercising i have managed to put on a few pounds but not as many as I lost Still any gain is  a major turn off - peed off. It is true a few pounds of the 8 pounds I put on could be due to muscle gain - as i have been strength training - but lets face it much of it is fat from eating a few too many chocalates a wk.

Now for 5 days I have incorparated 5 fruit & veg a wk, cut down on the junk dramatically - though did half a bag of chips = which I dont feel guilty about as Im allowing myself this a wk.

Here to the smells of sweet success - i keep thinking , just show patience, workout, eat right, work hard at eating right, eating right is the anwser and the body will fall in to place. I want to be fit not unfit. I dont want to loose weight & look weak, droopy but lean - hence why I should keep up the workouts. I can do ti, I am worthy, we all deserve a healthier body. I wonder has anybody beat the belly poooch or the wing bat arms ? lets see. Ive taken on pilates - god that is testing my patience = it all be worth it I hope. At least im on the wagon for a change. Its take so much energy - thinking to get on the wagon, get past A Day, and it gives you the kick to say dont undo that hard work get past day 2 - i hope this runs in to weeks and months - a lifetime change habit eating wise. Really hope I manage this. I gave up having sugar in my tea years ago, it was tough at the time as I like 2 spoons per cup, x3 cups a days = 2184 spoons of sugar not sitting as fat on my things any longer. I loved suggary tea, now I LOVE  unsweeten tea - i look forward to it. I hope I can feel like this about milk choc & biscuits in my life. They are empty calories - previosly when i did the caloire control diet & lost the pound I kept a serving of these junks foods in my diet - but I didnt have enough calories to eat nutrious food - hence did feel a bit week. Now Im eating solid healthy food of 1200 calories - i have incorporated a handfull of nuts to beat the late night munchs = so munching on nutrious nuts. Hope it all pays of … next weight in is 8 days away…. 

I know its because Im unhappy, sad with my self that I console myself with chocalate, food. Its why this very moment Im thinking when I go to pick up that milk, I’ll buy myself a chocalate bar. Yet Im pretty much full inside after a huge meal + chocalate bare a few hours ago.

I recognise its emotional eating, fixing my emotional problems aint gona happen overnight, may never do , may do, its not in my control - I’m trying. Now that I accept that the unhappiness, sadness how do I let go of the overeating, craving. I know the anwser does not lie in a chocalate bar - it doesnt, never have. What lies in there is a pill to fool myself that im manageing ok, coping with lifes failures.

Somone said let go. Look at overeating, chocalate and say my happiness , anwser to my problems dont lie in there , the dont, they never have, never will. They are somewhere else, search for it, fight for it.

By the grace of god, I’m going to try, I’m going to try so hard to NOT , NOT reach out to over feed, have another choc, biscuit to feel good.

I need to tap in to something else - to fix whats wrong - alots wrong - but the anwser is not in feelings of eating a chocalate bar.

Wish me luck.

Please help - I need  a big slap and a  kick of the b***side from you all. I’m struggling to eat right, eat healthy, eat my greens, fruit , kick out the chocalate. THIS is my downfall and it wont budge.Its disastarous I’ve ate 11oo kcals today so far and the night eating is yet to come !

 Today Ive ate:- a big bowl of mix cereal - bran, cornflakes with semi S milk. Followed by 2 large cups of tea, followed by a salmon fish pie, green beans, sweetcorn. Followed by a large biscuit chocalate bar. Oh yes 4 cups of water.

I mean I like vegs & fruit - but i dont have that urge binge to eat them like I did for the choc biscuit bar. Why cant I get my eating in control. I had a large dinner , why did I feel the urge to follow it up with chocalate - i was allready full.

I’M so frustrated by this - how can I get this right.

Im being a busy fool - i excercise religiously -3-5 times a wk, including 2 v tough gym classes, enojyable dance class, a hated swim and as of a forthnight ago I have taken up pilates at home for 2 spare nights. Hate it or love it - I keep up this excercise but it is not going to shift the w8 & I know because I am eating in excess & I dont know why.

Yes - my life is in a stink - but doesnt matter , what ever stage IM In life - there always problems - i should be able to get the eating in to a good habit = i mean why not, ive got the time - im trying its just not falling in place.

My BMI is currently at 24 and according to my gym trainer whilst im no longer classfied as fat , im still meaty, to be in proportion i need to drop to a BMI of 22. Eikes ah man i’ll never get there - thats asking for a loss of 12 pounds or so. How will I ever do that.

 Why cant I get it right - its patehetic when I read some of ur blogs and u’ve lost so much liek 30-50 pounds and here I am - F me!

I also feel like I lead a double life, there is so much in my life I want to change, get right, acheive and im not managaing it, But I never complain about it to anyone my family & friends who I see so regulary. Funnily enought they never talk about it - why Im still struggling to find a job, why I have settled down  = its the elephant in the room for me & no1 sees it. Why should they - i dont talka about it  = it all my fault - why did I make such a mess of life & why cant I get out of it , no matter how hard I try. They said change is the only constant in life - be sure of it , my life dont change , & how can I see it changing - getting poorer, ppl moving on , being left behind. I remain upbeat when I meet ppl, talk about myself - the reality is stinkly miserable - it scares me. We all have potential as people but I’ve just p**sed my life away - i’m such a idiot to say the least.

I wish I could wake up & smile really - not put a brave face on it all. My friends /family there okay, but i cant get myself out of this hole & it aint there job to do that - i cant blame them. I blame me - but doesnt help still does it. Im so sick about whining at all this. New ppl I meet I never tell them much abt me - cos aint much to tell , what I did tell - would just show what a failure I am, at my non-existent career , relationships. Ahh man what A joke I’ve grown up to become & I cant shake it of .

I like live a double life - reality aint worth wasting a breath on - it’ll all catch up - ppl who know me will see me for the looser I am - This is bad - i dont want ot be around when it happens. I wish I could wake up somewhere different, away from all this, somwhere , where the future gives me a smile a real one. Wishes eh? .