scream

Beat those evil urges , those few key foods that sabotage your weight loss - cos I think Im doing it. I eat chocalate , biscuits, cakes not when Im down, but when Im in every kind of mood. It is habit - just so used to eating , not emotional eating - cos Ive tried figuring that out. I’ve felt urge to eat  chocalate - fought it, ate a fruit or real food- a meal, gone out to excercise come back settle for the evening with that chocalate bar or biscuits (3-5).. All my hard work undone. Not anymore - I think Im breaking the habit - I’m in habit of eating junk & instead of calorie controll I am focusing breaking junk habits building goods ones. So I dont undoo my hard work of weight loss for life. I’m not strong enought to yo-yo again & I dont want to look in the mirror and see myself as square. It brain work - but simple - be incontrol of what goes in your mouth , dont think bargin - think at risk of sounding cliche moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips ( or belly & arms my case).

I’m taking my evil foods - not buying them & if I do - then watching, resisiting them for days on end & eat them in moderation over course of a week. I may be jumping the gun at the success - see below & previous posts - but I feel, smell success - i HAVEnt dont that before. And as a result of this challenge, im eating better. I was a fatty  - or am less of because I eat to much of the wrong kind of food - junk. I may eat within the 2000 kcal a day of food requirements for women , but still much or it was junk - laden with junk- hence sluggish stamina, body look too. Now I hope to eat same amount of kcal ( not starving) but more of good, nutrient food - you can eat a hell of lot more for same amount of calories in chocalate. We all know that - its just hard getting in to the habit & breaking the habit. But Im actually doing it - & not just blogging & going on & on!

 You all know the closer we get to our ideal goal the harder, harder it is to loose those pounds..! I gained some pounds back a month or so ago after easing up on a calorie controlled diet… Am focusing on habits - setting in to eating healthy habits - easing up on junk & so the story goes for last 15 days I have a wrapped up chocalate bar sat on my dressing table - w8ing to be ate& every day I see if I can resisit.

Fast forwarding now - Well yesterday  - I dragged myself on to the scales to see the lack of progress - as since my ease up , inspite of the uneated chocalate bar - my food intake remains to be somewhat generous, with excerise down to 3 sessions a wk (not 5) =  so I thought - as the scales showed a definite loss - of 2 lbs. - Might not seem much to you people but listen again, these 2lbs were the hardest to shift  - I have been eating more daily than my caloire controlled diet allowed - I was dreading a gain , fear a maintain - never imagined this loss & now - to be at a weight Im happy at when I was exhausted with calorie controll of 1100 cals daily.  I know over last few wks some days I have ate around 15-18oo cals - that is alot.

To see this loss - has boosted by confidence that I can reach my ideal weight , it also means that perhaps its working - the  chocalate bar resistation challenge. Since this challenge I have not bought a wrappped up chocalate bar - ( normally I would have 2-4 a wk, and as soon as I get them I eat them instantly, tear the wrapper & its gone within minutes). Inspite of the challenge I have ate biscuits, the odd chocalate sweet (not bar) here and there. But this weight loss shows - the challenge has been enought to make the difference - cos every time I have had the urge to eat it - at the risk of repeating myself I have reached for yogurt, soup, cracker, 1cm of cheese - anything. I felt I was eating too much of a good thing to avoid the chocalte bar & end up with a gain. Infact better lost some, ate lots more - better food and healthier for it.

It takes 21 days to break a habit - AND - I  want to break the habit of quick fix - buy a chocalate, settle down with a chocalate, hot drink, fav telly. I’M ON 15th day - sorry repeating it to myself) - never thought that chocalate bar on my dressing table would live out this long - I now have the encouragement to see it thorough. Thinking while i’m on a high, lets take the nxt evil  - biscuits & put that on the challenge.

The biscuit challenge - well I dont mind eating the odd 1 every day or 2 - but it never stops there . I end up eating 4-6 perhaps even 8 through the day.This succupers any calorie control  - i have to give up reall food to meet the daily challenge & am pretty soon hungery again. I dont want to stop eating buscuits all togther - but do want to stop binging. Today I will wrap up 5 of my favourite choc, plain buscuits & stick a nother note on them..  dont eat me , eat me in moderation over the course of a wk. On the back the note will say you dont control me, I control you - Agian means I will eat up when my brain sees fit - not that urge in my tummy, that says eat it, and another. Dont listen to your brain - you only live once, live for today, eat well tommorow - just eat 5-8 biscuits. Its okay eat less reall food later  blah blah . Then Im in a cycle of guilt.

Will do that as of now. Now yes am ok to eat up to 2 biscuits a day , anymore and I will tell myself to go and eat the 5 biscuits on my table first or eat something else in stead - hand ful of dry cearal flakes… soup… fruit… anything but not the two evil foods. I hope & believe I can do this challenge. Here goes!

 I think you guys - what ever weight journey your on - at start or middle or end of it should try this if you can. I have found it immensley empowering to see that i havent tore up maddly the wrapper of that live and kicking chocalate bar sat on my dressing table. Once upon a time - like 15 days ago I would have. I’m okay - by not eating - better for it as have been able to eat more of other food - ( full of nutrients & tasty too), quailty of life has not gone down the pan, I dont feel I’m missing out on lifes little pleasures by not having ate that chocalate bar. Today I can say if I dont eat it- its okay - i like the success Ive seen - tummy full of better & more food.. leaner for it too.

 Thankyou buddy - my journey here started out in desperation & I dare I say is going somewhere practical, meaningful & mentally & physically looking better. This buddyslim has given me so much I fell today. x

Its madness you guys! To recap - I have a wrapped up Choc bar sat amongst my daily makeup, moistures - I have watched it day & night but refrained from eating it - this is day 14. I have note on the front that says - dont eat me or eat me in moderation. Thats means I dont eat it or I eat it over the course of a week, bit by bit. On the back of it the note say - you dont control me, I control you. I will eat you when I think it is right  and not before - not when something urges me too.

Well every day - sometimes a few time A DAY - I have the urge to go and tear up the wrapper and eat that chocalate bar. Instead I say no and eat something anything else instead - yogurt, dried fruit, a cracker, soup.

 Last night - I had a big meal - pretty big - like 600 Kcal worth . I was full - I never burp yet 2 hours later I had a slight burp. Despite eating this big filling meal - of tortilla wraps, salad, soya beans, lamb chops , light puff finger (desert), cup of tea = i still wanted to tear up the wrapper and eat this chocalate bar. I know I would have ate it within a few minutes, feel it melt in my mouth, down the throat, threw the tummy and nothing would be left but an empty wrapper.

I did not eat it  but why did I want to. I was not upsett, bored, Yes I’m down on my life in general - but even when my life was going well by all accords I had binge eating problems. Right now I look better physically than I have done in ages - so why do I want to binge? I dont know.

Unless its a binge for fruit, veg snack I will not giv in to a binge for junk - a percific junk. I’ll eat something else instead - I’ want to be in control not he urge to eat. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit - I wonder if thats true. Right now for 14 days I have not brought a wrapped bar of chocalte - I tell myself I have one sat AT home - go and eat that first before you buy another. Without this challenge I think I normally eat about 2-4 bars of chocalate over a week - even with a calorie controlled diet. I know for the amount of calories & fat in a bar - I could eat so much more healthy food with nutrients.

I am trying to train myself to eat better for life - other wise I know I will be a reall size fatty again = I dont want to loose what little I have acheived recently.

Battle on!

Hi all… I’m scared of what the weighing scales will show when I climb on - really! Its strange when I was iron willed - 90% of the time eating right, every 3 hours and in meeting 1100 calorie limit - the scale moved every week  but I was obsessed and weighed in every day - desperate for that needle to move leftwards… Since i’ve relaxed on the diet, calorie control, obessesion Im worried - in the back of my mind somethings says youve, your undoing all your hard work & I now I dont want to look at the scales , I dont want to face the gain it will show. Instead of daily weight in, I want to avoid the wkly tuesday weigh in. Background = on or of the diet, I told myself I will weigh in every week - otherwise I will fall in to bad habits - carefree eating & gain weight ( undoing all my hard work - this has happened before hence I joined this sight).

I forced myself to face my fears and get on the scales for the last 2 tuesdays ( I missed one week). First wk it showed a gain, GAIN - oh maaan of 3 lbs. I was relieved it was not more, but upsett thats 2 weeks of hard disciplined work of eating right etc undone. I logged this gain here - that was very difficult to do, I saw my white star dissapear :( Last week I managged to eat right for 3 days… weighed in with A 1 lb reduction - good. I suppose the wkly weight in is keeping me on my toes! Wish I can discipline myself in eating habits to start to look forward to the weight in..

Oh for those of you whove read my previous blogs - that chocalate bar - wrapped up = with a note on my table - is still their , this is day 11. I HAD some really bad days of wanting to tear up the wrapper and eat it - i resisted and ate something else instead, soup, ceareal - antthing to loose the eat whole chocalate bar craving. After 21 days I hope - I last out till then , I’ll eat it gradually I hope over a week. I call this teaching myself - self control in portion eating. I hope to try this method with biscuits to - my other greatest downfall. I put a punnet of satsumas in my room - to grab for one of them whenever the need to eat the chocalate heightens to absurd levels!

I really want to be eating right for life as a habit and not yo-yoing between obsessing and eating right vs letting go care free eating  - Hope I get there!

A few people I know now have exciting times - a year ahead, some on adventures, oters making that career grade, some making that commitment to worthwhile special. They deserve these happy times , all have worked hard to get there. I just feel I dont have an optimistic time head - i feel my life is so same old, same old - run of the mill. I’m glad I cant tell the future - otherwise its not a pretty picture. I’m going to continue to work at my pre-new year goals & boy I hope luck kicks in & pleasaantly too.

 Today I had to go to see an old friend - seem to be in need - both listening & money wise. While I dont have the money to bail them out, I thought I could lend the ear. It cost dollars I dont have. .. but I felt if I didnt turn up - this freind would really feel let down & as they are in a bit of trouble. Helping a friend in need is costly - but I would like to thing in my time of need someone put a freindship ahead of the lousy dollar sign. Ah well.

My real, real emphasis is:-

1.Lose 8 pounds by New Year

2.Be healthier - lowered body fat = means less junk ( other peoples junk is pizza, tacos, mines is choc & biscuits - so focus is on breaking these habits)

3.Keep up current fitness levels - by excercise 3x a wk & 10,000 pedometer steps a day.

4.Land that job, live a life I’m content with.

5.Work with a charity - give back to the world.

6.Check in with family & freinds every forthnight - more distant ones once few months - I dont like letting people dissapear out of my life completely. 

7.Go dating, kiss a few frogs like, be a frog like for others & snap might meet someone where were both happy 

8.Have a New Year 2009 - I’m happy with - a happy start, no looking back in regrets but a bit proud of how I’m turning myself around.

 Wish me luck - buddies - boy I need it.xThese are by pre-new year resolutions. 

Where am I today - the boring part - aha… you can switch of now!

Hi guys - i binged yesterday on several biscuits - I dont know why. In all through this THE CHOCALATE BAR i have wrapped up sat on my table - is still there. I did not eat it, though tho8 about is a few times. That’s 4 full days I have not ate that chocalate bar - how long can facing temptation & resistance go on? I think I will take a biscuit (not a packet) , wrap that up & watch that too for a while.

Its crazy - why am I doing think. I think of the recovering alchololic who keeps a bottle of gin under the sink for the just in case time. Takes it out, stares, stares & puts it back for a worse time than this. Hopefully that time never comes & in the meantime his liver is home dry & better healthier for it!

Yesterday - everytime I tho8 of eating that choc bar I ate a biscuit, late at night - after biscuit feast was over - i had point? Whats the difference of not eating that choc bar - while still overloading on my caloires - alot I tell you a lot. I want to break a habit -  Well a week ago, normally , put a chocalate in front of me - I will eat it - rest assured. Tell myself life - you only live once, eat less at the nxt meal or nxt few meals etc - but it will get ate, just eat. Same goes for any treat put infront of my face -  It a never ending circle - its why I have weight problems ( to extent I have done) , why those last stubborn 10lb are there. I’m feeding them & now I want to let go.

In a crazy - inner world , obbessed weigh - I am tackling my food habits - choc is no1, followed by biscuits. In the meantime for every weak mo - i need to eat - i eat somehing - right now I HAD a celery stick with homous. ( Houmous is fattening to, though not as much as a choc or biscuit). Thing is I wont eat tubs & tubs of chocs, but can eat bar , bar s of choc & biscuits. I need to break the overeating on this great tasting food - either dont eat or eat in moderation  = as the sticker says on the choc bar I have been looking at for the last 4 days.

Four my nxt food craving - thinking choc - I will actually eat soup or have some dried food. Again have more than 2 servings on soup / dried food thats almost as many cals as choc & buscuits. But I know me, I wont eat more than one servinc of soup / dried food - choc & biscuist - i will (just one more, only live once, lighten up -  voices in my head - hence eat a choc).

Guess I’m saying i want shot, freedom from the hold these foods, treats have over me. So in meantime will over load by eating anything but them.

Heres to breaking habits - i dont know if I can resist the choc bar for 21 days - taking it a few hours at a time right now. Going to wrap up a biscuit & put it nxt to the choc bar too. I hope I do it.. Those stupid calories that get used up by choc & biscuits - i can use to eat a lot more real food & hopefully stay in my calorie limit - + loose weight.

Signing out

whaaat - 3lbs - yes I have gained weight in my thinny phase and check it out no longer beyond but now away from my mini goal. Yes I have gone 3 steps backwards. Its been a while, I used to check in to this site daily, now its gone to a wkly phase - I think that is healthy. The daily phase check in was a so strong indication of my obsession with food & food loss… I then fell in to the phase of eating whatever, then into a phase of eating 50%well but too much of a good thing - hence the  weight gain.

On a positive - we had a circuit train session at the martial arts class I attend. Have I mentioned before I am one of the oldest members there - so am parnoid ever the slightess, about looking unfit, not being able to keep up & what am I doing boosting my self-confidence in a male dominated excercise class? Anyhow on the circuit training - we were put through our paces & the comment on our individual performance & I was told by our trainer that they were impressed by my fitness levels! Whaaat - come again - I thought are they for real - I felt so flattered :)  Were they just being nice - doubts entered my mind - but why would they - I told myself to accept the compliment - wow. I felt my hardwork on making myself healthy is finally paying of. After the session I felt elavated ( if that is the right word).  Using this new motivation - I’ve successfully got back on watch the weight, eat right track - this is day 2 of it. I’m doing ok not craving foods .

You know since yesterday I have had a chocalate bar all wrapped up - sat on my dressing table. It has a note tied to it eat not or eat in moderation, you will not  control me anymore. I wrote this & like ppl do in jail mark the days they’ve been in. Well I marked 1 on it to mark a day I resisted temptation in my face. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit - eating choc, or eating it instead of  a proper lunch is ever my downfall - I’m seeing how strong I can be. Yesterday a few times at the end of the day I thought about eating half of it, as it would be within my calorie intake levels - so okay. But I said no, if that was an apple I wouldn’t at all be tempted would I. Equality rules I must treat & eat that choc as I would eat an apple..!

Now for the hard part, some dear to me is moving cities, they’ve progressed. I dont want to loose them, but have no choice but to let them go. I know they will be out of my daily life in a big way & it’s hard to deal with that. Its playing on my mind, Ive given this person my blessing, go follow your dreams . I dont know if it hurts cos theyr leaving or the fact it points at my own inadequacies in life - not achieving much. I hope I can deal with this, stay positive & work at improving my life at whatever slow pace, yet remain happy for those who progress around me. Its so hard. Im in general not proud of myself, not proud of how mylife is,has turned out - It doesnt change does it from my earlier post - I wish I could shake of these feelings - they are what hold me back, from being me, achieving what I am capable of  - breaking those barriers self & lesser extent family that have me in the rut I am in. I hope god is listening & will help me, someone will.

What a dark end to this blog.