scream

Okay - Im not quite there yet- but still not the 15 pounds heavier I used to be - its strange writing and believing that.

 Its been a while since iVE been here - like 10 or so days. Ive relaxed on eating - ate wha I want - but also realised that I binge at half the level - pre the weight loss . THINGS have changed - but also now if the remain like this - i’ll loose all my hard work! oh man & I still have not reached my target ideal goal - ICANT GIVE UP NOW.

OKAY - ive had a few wks holiday of the eating lark.Im back now for a Thinny Phase. Today i HAD low fat yogurt with a spoon of dried crunch fruit , 2 waters, 1 roll of white bread + 1 mug of veg soup. Thats v.good compared to yesterday when I had ate 800 calaroies by now - at moment im on 450 kcal. As Im going back on the eating right, eating less and every 3 hours - its hard. So Im eating every 2 hours but at 1-200 cals - to get back in to the swing of things.

Its a new day, and I aint giving up until i reach that ideal goal! Hello buddies , I welcome your support - these last 10 pounds are a killah!

Some one said to me fake it till you make it. And faking it long enough - u start living it, thinking like it. While my life is pile of pooh at the moment - in myself I feel good, my soul feels good. Cant explain it, but i’m thinking for all the pooh in mylife - i have been blessed to - health, not trapped in shitty relationship , half decent friends, food on the table, clothes on my back. Have the world right here, right now are starving = so these blessing are real.

In our worlds - advance nations = these blessing arent enough to make you feel validated - thats why I feel my life is a pooh. But no 1 has everything - right? Are we ever satisfied?

Enuff of that - my eating - today is day 2 of my renewed phase 2 goals. To explain historically - i would have given up, happy with the weight loss, stuff the calorie controll eating & get on with life.

This time its different I’m calling it Phase Pooh. I’m making sure 50% of my plate / snack is always healthy . This will mean a healthy nutirents in me, & mainting my weight loss. I focused so much on drinking water last 3 wk - that I actually crave it now!?! So if i focus on eating veg / fruit every meal / snack - my body wil follow & crave that as much if not instead of fried food, chocalate. I’m hoping the natural sugars in fruit & veg will be enough to feed my junk food cravings.

Day 2 anyway - I have ate every 3 hours breaky, snack, main meal, snack, lighter main meal, snack . Here goes  - I can do it - I believe in myself.

NEWSFLASH - yesterday I went to this workout class (havent been there for 6 wks), the lady who runs the class - ( very fit), said hey you look very refreshed - something looks good about you. NOW my hair was tied back , my face paintless (no makeup), had no jewellery, was very a 5 year old t-shirt & basic joggers, plus old trainers. I looked a mess so I tho8 = she saw a different me , a refreshed me. The only difference to the old vs today me is this 8 lb weight loss = it has made a diffeence. My clothes fit looser , better. I’ve physically changed. This lady never gives out flattering comments I’ve seen her regualary barring last 6 wks. It made my day!
 

Why am I finding it difficult to enjoy my new slimmer body.. I look at myself & think the curves arent there.. am i dissapearing…? Its a joke - because its not like Ive lost many pounds - just 15 lbs. Today I’ve geave myself a hard talk - really on a mission to put all my food on a plate - including junk - realise HOW much I’m eating - adjust - look at what Im eating - adjust & the EAT. This is hard vs instictive eating - but instinctive eating is what led to feeling fat & down. I really hope I can knuckle down to eating the right amount , followed by healthy stuff for life - a habit.(fingers crossed).

Yesterday I went to an extra workout class - felt nervous going ( i dont know why), once I was there felt a bit nervous showing my one on one kick boxing moves to all - dont know why? Finshed the session - enjoyed it - & then had a 210 kcal chocalate bar… its not all right? once cancelled the other…

What is going on… - i havent been weighing myself everyday for the last 10 days - is the obsession on it way out.. or is it that i KNOW i’ve been eating junk - i’ve been in denial about facing the scales and seeing a gain and or no weight loss…?