scream

Mentally I feel like I’ve had a really hard, tough week - i feel exahausted. Today it was really difficult logging in a mere 1 lb weight loss - i mean Im at a bday party 2moro & that 1 lb wil be gained and maybe more.

I said previously there was a discreprancy in scale readings between those at home & those at a department store. Which ever is ture - what I do know for show is I have watched the scale go down a little every week. The weight loss is true - what ever the number - I will & am celebrating that - whooo-hooo.. nO.1!

I know I have way more muscle definition ( its slight) than in a long time in my body - I do a bit of resistance training every week - surely it will add weight to me than loose it…(yes I am trying to rationalise how much I weight). Celebrate this - woo hooo NO.2!

Yes I for the last 7 days - inspite of the cheat days - incorporated eating a peice of fruit or veg at every eating meal / snack = that is 5 a day. Celebrate this - woo hoo No.3 I hope the natural sugars in the fruits , carbs & starches in these will help towards curbing my cravings for chocalate, more & more bread, maybe even fries - in the long term. In the meantime they may have add to the loss of this weeks weight loss who knows…?

What ever the weight scale reads for my current weight - i know i can comfortably get into a size 12 ( usa size jeans & squeeze ma butt JUST ABOUT in to a size 10 ( usa size 6) in jeans = i cant remember the last time I was able to do that - I cant = Celebrate this = woo hoo no 4  Though I would never go out in size 10 (usa size 6)  jeans - they look ridiculousy tight - lol

This is not a celebration because I feel like it is in bad tasTe I write this. On one of the cheat days I went out on a meal , this lady was there , I saw here after 6 months. 18 months ago - her & I were the same body size - but no longer. It not that I had shrunk a size but she had also increased in 2 sizes. Its terrible , I felt for her because I know the dog determination you have to have to loose these shitty lbs & the battle not over then - you have to maintian it. Iits also terrrible because I thought if I give up now - dont get my healthy eating habits formed for life - I loose it & become like her & bigger and I don’t want to look like that anymore - I dont want to look big or a square. I want to look rectangular - if I get the healthy eating habits formed - the body will take care of itself.

Inspite of the waying scale readings - by body does feel more taut, leaner than it has in a long time ( there a lot of room for improvement) but I dont want to loose the good feeling of my body at the moment - celebretion this - woo hoo No.5!

Now to the hard part I am 4-5 lb of my goal  = loosing a total of 20 lbs. Its hard, I’m finding it very hard to focus - i’m  loosing it or in fear of loosing it.

I have decided to try meditation to contol my fear, to focus on those last few pounds to set in those better eating habits. I must get portion control in check - whether its a vegetable or icecream.. I must eat a peice of fruit / veg with all my meals / snacks… Will let you know how that goes.

I want to SHARE THIS - this is what I read…” 

It has been scientifically proven that people who practice meditation have shown marked improvements in their mental and physical health. Clinical studies reveal that meditation helps lower blood pressure and respiratory rates, reduces anxiety and cures insomnia. It is because of these results that more and more doctors are recognizing the therapeutic benefits of meditation and are suggesting that their patients learn meditation. Many people use meditation to lose weight or cure addictive behaviors like smoking, alcohol and others learn meditation to alleviate many stress related illnesses. Some learn meditation to find inner peace and happiness, while others want to be more in touch with their spiritual self.

“Scientists study it. Doctors recommend it. Millions of Americans - many of whom don’t even own crystals - practice it every day. Why? Because meditation works…” Time Magazine ”

I think I’m having a dead week. To explain I weighed myself in one of those digital scales available in major chain health stores , needless to say the outcome was not great:( It showed me to be 5lb heavier than my home scale. Okay take an lb of for clothes , its put me a couple or more weeks back from target. This weekend I decided to take the weekend of from this rigourous weight watching, have  a couple of cheat days. I didnt massively pig-out but ate more than my 1100 daily cal allowance. Tomorow I have a weigh in - see how it goes. MY THOUGHTS - i need to get back to reality  - you know get a life.Life to the world does not sit in my dietry habits. While doing this focus on how much & what I eat - I REALLy want to maintain some long term healthy eating habits. You know I’v never been a big fan of the gym - but boy I have kept that up 6 mths + .. surely I CAN do that with the eating lark.

Does is sound like ive burnt out on this weight loss thing - i think i MAY have.A voice in myhead tells me there is more to life than daily worry of weight.

Hi , today I lost another 2lbs - weh hey. The loss of the next 5 are going to be a killer - i’m looking at 3 weeks = target. In between that I know I have 2 major parties to go to = so am going to have to plan a head. Like I know I wont be able to stick to my calorie intake of 1100 , so am planning a 500kcal overspend and figure out some extra sessions of excercise to burn these cakes off. How does everyone else do it? How do people maintain there weight loss.

Been thinking a lot about maintaining my weight loss to date - hell I dont want to go through a gain again or a whole journey of weight loss. But how to you do it? Once you hit an ideal weight , you focus will waver to real life?

Its playing on my mind - was told health, weight loss is really 80% through controlling what goes in you mouth not excercise. Get the mouth in check & moderate excercise should keep you body toned.

I hope - I’ve somewhat developed , educated myself on some decent eating habits, portion control!

I fell of the wagon last week by blowing my calorie limit by 600 kcals (again after the chocalate incident blog - what does that tell you). Well, following two days I walked an additional 200 kcals of , and ate 400 kcal less of my 1100 daily kcal requirement = yes I burned the buggers I extra ate of. Why is a moment on the lips equate to 2 bloody days of hard work. Its not on.

 I’m going to focus on what I put in my mouth from now on - I mean really - HOW MUCH AM I EATING, followed by what am i eating. Need to get it in check - to both meet & maintain my ideal goal.

Yes blogging to myself, revving myself up for the next 5 lbs weight loss challenge - feels like such a mountain & then I read about you guys, you guys who have lost 40lbs, 60, lbs, 100 lbs - my goal loss feels so tiny & invisible. We cant help but compare.

Take care buddies

Buddies - I want to say thanks. For a while i BLOGGed to myself here. I’m now feeling the strain or frustration of getting to my idea goal, next mini goal even ( is a few lbs away). I’m now waking up saying I can do it, I have support, I have buddies on myside. I cant let them down - I need to acheive this. Your support is helping, I feel it.

Today I checked my hip/waist ration - I am a classic apple shape body and my ratio was well over the recommend safety measure - I was at risk to cardivisculour diseases - EIKES. I am no more - i’ve under the recommended ration - only just - but under - its something to celebrate isn’t it - ? Having your health back, maybe I’m not slim jim but my health is back. I wish I could feel happier about this - what is wrong with me! Have I become one of these ppl influenced by the media - never happy once your reach a goal - the goal post moves. This is so unhealthy state of mind.

I guess I thought taking care of the physical side would take care of the mental side - it cant do all the job. I need to get out there and get that life I want - get A Life.

This is a miserable blog aint it..? and boring? and pathetic.

Hey Buddies…  a few of you have asked me how I am living of 1100 Kcal a day  - heres how, there’s no trade secrets. I wonder this when I read how other people live of so little - before I reveal all , the pitful state.. I’d like to say for once am actually writing to you guys and not myself - normally i’n blogging (ranting) to myself , at myself. (Hope that changes one day).

 Why 1100kcal - well  that is my calorie requirements to run my body if I didnt doing anything - my Basal Metabolic Rate - Essentially  energy I use whether  I sleep or doing nothing. IMPORTANT - Everyones BMR is unique to their age, height & energy levels - 1100 kcal could be very dangerous to some of you - work out what your’s needs to be.Obviously I do more than nothing - but keep ing to this will make up for my rough estimations of calorie counting & the fact I dont always tire myself out excercising = probably also why I never loose more than 2lbs a week - 2lbs a week is a mission in its own right..!

Yesterday was a typical eating day :-

 Breaky 9.30 am : 200 kcal (always have a good breakfast , thats somewhat enjoyable).

2 weightwatchers wholegrain bread slices , with very, very thin spread of butter

1 bowl of small salad, with 1 tblspoon of  plain natural yogurt as dressing

1 cup of tea

2 waters

Lunch -3 hours later 1pm = 300 kcal

 3/4 small bowl of half white & brown plain cooked rice with 2 tablespoons of curry floured lentils

2 waters

Early evening ( 3 hrs later) 5pm = 120 Kcal

1 cup of tea  + 2 small peices of  chocalate

1 water

Dinner ( 3 hrs later) 8 pm = 300 Kcal

1 tortialla wrap  (180 kcal) with  4 table spoons chicken soup 

1  portion (fist full)  of  salad (no dressing)

2 waters

Late night snack -2.5 hrs later- 10.30pm = 150 kcal

1 milky ice lollie - 65 kcal

1 tea + 1 apple

1 water

That all comes to a rough grand total of 1070.. if things get bad - I have a cup of tea, or a plain rich tea biscuit ( 40 kcals) .

I eat regular, so my body doesnt think its starving (avoid plateau - so easy near last 10 lbs), also keep to 350ish Kcal for main meals & 150 kcals for snacks.Its hard, I have fallen of the wagon - see blogs.I walk 40 mins every day - without fail ( ill or not)..I excercise 3 x aweek. This combination is allowing me to loose 2lbs a week for the past month anyhow - oh what small gains. I dont know any other way how. My aims are to still eat a bit of everything - if i dont I dont know how to maintain my current weight loss once I hit my target. What I mean is if I lost my weight via atkins or juice diet - i just know long-term I cant maintain them diets & am hell scared of putting the weight on & more. So I’m sticking to eating what I know - but a lot less - hell I’m excercising portion control & effortlessy trying to increase my fruit/veg intake. Actually have thought about given I eat about 5x a day (include snacks) - I’ll have a peice of fruit / veg at each of them times. Other thing I need to increase is fish - apart from tuna salad I dont bother - need to change here.

Today I fit into a size smaller jeans - size 10 in uk, still tight - but there were on, didnt have to breath in. Wow - cant remember when I’ve been so the right weight. If I loose the next 7 lbs I’ll be able to go out in them , without looking silly!

I hope to long-term maintain this weight - via keeping to 5 basic rules

1.Eat 5 fruit / veg a day (nutirients - eat less of junk) (at the moment on 3 aday)

2. Walk/ jog every day (10,000 steps) ( looked toned, keep weight of, do it even on flu days).

3. Have 8 water cups a day (look hydrated, not tired)

4.  Excercise 3x  a week (to not loose muscle tone, force myself to go, been doing this well for ages now).

5. Keep it to 2-300 cal a day of junkfood - no more. ( To get that tummy of mines in to shape, though at the moment failing 3rd of the week on this target - my downfall if ever).

I hope to get to my target weight - maintain by doing the above most days not by exception. I ALSO HOPE TO STOP focusing so much on this flipping weight business & enjoy / worry about other things in life - what life should be about.

Hope this helps  , any advice , thoughts most, MOST welcomed.

Its not a perfect combination, Its just what I know.

Are there not more things to worry about in the world other than what I ate yesterday? I feel so fickle writing this. This morning I reached 132 lbs ( 2 lbs away from my 2nd mini-goal - it feels surreal). Last night - there was a packet of chocalate mini- pieces there - I ate 3, followed by another 3, then 2, then 4, then 3. This happen as the night went on - I had a binge that cost me 600 kcalories - what the hell was I do? Why did I do it? Why was I not strong enough to say no? I thought its going to play havoc with my weigh in tommorow ( it didn’t - lucky me). Yesterday I ATE 1275 kcalories - blew my  1100 calorie limit - I wouldnt mind but I blew it by junk food . Ahw man. Tonight is a test - I’ll see if I can get through the evening by not touching any chocalate - I hope I CAN do it - i need to regain my power of saying no to junk. Here goes. I want to get to my mini goal - the nxt majic number of 130. I can do this - I know I can.

 Hope all you guys are doing well out there…

Guys, people, bloggers, friends, insects, dust - anyone & everyone. If I had one wish today - I want to wake up and genuinly smile, I want to wake up the nxt day and smile again. I dont want to be putting on a brave face- smiling to everyone - all I’m saying is its okay, I’m keep faith,hope - I will get to a less chubby self, I will find a man who makes me laugh & v.versa, I will get a half-decent job offer (soon), I will see more of life, the world. … I cant w8 to have all them things to smile - it may never happen - hasnt lately uptill now. I need to smile for now. I just want to wake up & smile - for the now, for what ever I have & dont - why doesnt it happen - why doesnt anyone see I’m not really smiling. Its my own fault - always bloody is.

Everyone , thankyou - without you I could not have done this - today I hit my mini-goal of 135lbs … that is a total of 10lbs weight loss since I started. The journey has been frustratingly slow - but I’m grateful it has been in the right direction - down.

When I read the scales this morn - I checked it several times, It hasnt quiet sunk in that I am at a weight I am comfortable at - feel ok in. I felt scared about logging it in - in the thought what if the scales read differently on my next wkly checkin. ..Then I told myself - be proud, logg in your success (my successes in life are few & far between)! I told myself that  log it in & vow to yourself you will work hard to maintain that goal, never go above it. ( I have done once before). I hereby promise to excercise 3 times a week, keep a food log diary of the JUNK I eat - not everything. 

Please be aware to get to this mini goal - I have religiously been eating 1-1100 calories per day for the last 2 weeks with 3x wkly excercise sessions and daily 30 min walks. My Junk intake has been around 2-300 calories. - That is what it takes for me to loose tiny pounds..

I am worried about maintaining it - they say weight loss is 80% what you eat and 20% how you excercise. I wish to be toned - dont know whether I will ever get to a flat board stomach - but will be happy to get to a less chubby state. Happy to class my body - as a rectangular shape than a square.

I set a new mini goal today 130lb, to many of you 5lbs is not much , to me it looks like a mountain to climb.. Ive never been at that weight - I cant imagine being at that weight. Here goes.

Now for something a bit on the sidelines - I went on a date or coffee with this guy the other week - they were serving pizza there too - he suggested v share one. I refused - instead went for some starters ( which I ate 50% of ) and let him eat the pizza on his own ! I said no to junk food in  a social situation - this is the second time I have dont that - can you believe - am I getting stronger or am I getting obsessed with my daily target of 1100 calories - i dont know.

With this guy - Ive seen him a few times , he likes me, I told him Im not sure - like I want to get to know him, his personality - see if we get on  - before I put him down as a boyfriend. I’m not leading him on am I ? I’m still accepting his calls, seeing him again - I just want to be able to give it a chance  - someone said to me once I dont give guys a proper chance. Deep down - I so far have not found his jokes funny - I just smile at them politely … He looks good on paper - job, ok salary, works a lot, travels when I can - I like all them things. But it makes me sad that when he rings - I dont feel exicited - I’m thinking see him for a while longer - maybe something will develop - is that wishful thinking or what? I think hes finding my ‘unsure state’ abit annoying - last time on the phone he suggested that I tell him what I looking for, what I want, need..! I felt that was a bit cheeky - I dont know, its not about material stuff, its about getting on, feeling the buzz when u go to see someone.. as I thought I had explained from day 1.. I dont know. What does everyone else think?

All comments much, much appreicated !

I feeling it - nothing tastes as good as weight loss  comments. This week 2 of my friends commented , one said slowly ( boy she is right, its been slow) but she said - ur slowly loosing weight I can tell, another who saw me after 5 wks said she noticed I looked leaner. My friends are not one to pay lip service & I knew it was true - it felt good. Then to top it all of - a guy at my  excercise class - did a pick up, chuck the other person move with me - well he just commented on how light I was. The comment played over in my mind - I’m at an ok weight - i’m at a weight that ppl think perhaps I look light. Quite something to get your head around isnt it. I’m geared to shift 2 lbs for a few wks - I really hope I DO IT.

Just so you all know I hit 136 lbs this week & to think the scale could move more - feels magical and unreal.

I went in to Macs the other night for a milk shake  - i stood there, looked at the 400 kcal it contains & then I thought - LIKE someone said no fat, choclate, extra helpings is going to taste as good as weight loss. I walked out of Macs without buying a milkshake  & went home to a healthy meal. I’m a little proud of myself for being able to turn my back on junk.

I hope this is really kickstart of the me - I am working towards looking like..

I’ve been working out 3 times a wk & now find I can see the muscles slightly in my upper arms when I dry my hair - am I geting leaner, toned = am I changing some of the flab in me.

I have half of the journey to go yet - (13 pounds) - I pray i hammer half of it in this month. Wish me wel people.X