scream

Hey Me ,  yes you - I’M talking to you. You who is trying , trying but not loosing weight. YOu who is stuck at 138 pounds for wks and wks now. Though your pleased your maintaining the weight loss to date , you want to loose those 8 pounds and another 2 for good measure. The majic number is 136, then 134, then 132 (whey hey, past the mini goal), then 130 and finally 128.Wow, Wow, Wow - u’ve come into the 120+ number - never thought YOU’d see that number - u can , imagine it, smell it, think about it everytime you open that mouth of yours too eat. Dont let your mouth, your fingers sabotage it. U can do this and you , we, you and me ( though v are the same) will start the dream tonight. Its a dream that will take 5 wks - if all goes to plan and it starts 2nite. Thurzday 21st Aug, 20:12 is the day for it all too start - v, you, us can do this…

 1. Remove that coke bottle sat in the cuboard out of sight and mind ( the odd swiff here and there over the last 4 days - is call sabotage, sabotage, sabotage to your dream).

2. Put the biscuits, bombay snackers out of sight too

3. Make sure your plates are 60% healthy food - 40% normal  - make sure the picture looks like that..

4. Getting hungry - get busy - walk away, past, away from the kitchen

 5. 2nite… Well 4.30-6.00 pm you hit the gym, you came back and ate…

a small orange + 1 glass of water = 30 kcals 

a cup of tea plus 2.5 mini crossiants = 400 kcals

a bowl of salad, with 2 tbsp of tuna sweetcorn mayo + slice of bread (croutons) = 200 kcals 

a swiff of coke (drink) and a handful of bombay snacks = 100 kcals

THAT is a total of 730 kcals + 620 Kcals from the morning = 1400 cals you have ate today!!!

YOu have burned at the gym 500 cals

 Do the maths = 1400-500 = 900 kals  = u need to keep to this number for the weight loss in the comming weeks.. = the dream

You know, you know - u binge like silly between 8-1 am / bedtime = u eat stupid foods, junk.. like 2nite u may eat another 400 cals and BOOOM you’ve blown 2days target. U CAN SEE THIS HAPPENING - U r not going to let this happen … you are going to eat nothing more 2nite = if things get bad you are allowed:-

1. cup of semiskimmed tea

2. Celery stick

3. black cup of tea = no milk

4. water.

Thats the plan = if you want 2nite / 2day to be part of the plan = help 2wards the dream . Dont’ ruin 2day -with eating silly at night. Be incharge for once = control it.

I bet you - you can do it!

Everybody - how does a person forgive themselves. I need to do this to move ON - I AM holding myself back,  I can’t dont blame anyone around me, I blame me -

 To explain my mistakes, my life, my story..

I am extremely annoyed at myself - I have been more honest with this blog than people around me - about how I feel about myself. I am annoyed, angry, upset,  ticked off FOR :-

1. Being in this self-pitiful state for a long while, (vs.why, why have I let this situation go on for so long)

2. For being jobless..(vs.i am trying, i am applying)

3. For being frightend at the thought of how is anyone gona take me seriously - how is a real employer going to give me ago - when they see i’ve been effectively a beach -bum for such a long time ? 

4. For not making a career for myself, (I thought I’d make something of myself not an explorer but at least an administrator, even working in starbucks)

5. For not putting my education, selfdiscipline, hardworking values I was bought up with to good use..( at one time I used to be such a workaholic, I can’t believe it when I look at myself now)

6.Not running my own business (vs I don’t know what I would start one in…)

7. For not pursuing , letting go of the that one person - u know you could live your life out with, grow old. I know its gone,  i’m over it. I regret for letting go of him so easily - why, we of different races .. we werent at that stage of commitment, he moved away , i let the relationship go, I should have followed. Today when i meet guys I look for a glint of what I felt then, if it doesnt happen I know its not real & I dont want that relationship.

8. For being frighten again - how is any guy ( i am interested in) going to take me seriously - given my poor track record of making a success - not in my life. What have I to offer - I’m average looking ( a bit weird), average body and looking to take on a poorly paid job .. ( its not good).

9. For ending up with the short-straw - no matter how admirable - looking after my mom. My siblings are all living their lives and much to the full, a few with their own families - they stretched to much with their own responsibilites to help out.. another is studying like crazy & stress. Its like catch 22 - I cant expect any of them to help out - long term day to day cos i’m not doing anything so I manage ( but my own life is at a standtill,  they stand in for occasional late night out - or week I went away) - but primarily I’m the carer.

10. For making my mom feel like crap - i think she does blame her self & me for not making a some what - success out of my life. Last night we had a frank chat - it did not go well, basically I told my mom, the older siblings that I need space to get my life sorted, moving. I am going to take the nxt job coming ( risky- makes it sound  cocky that I assume someone will offer me one) , I am going to be out their see , meet new people - hopefully someone I want to be with  = in the meantime they need to help out with our mum. I said to my mom she’d needs to be more independent - less reliant. The conversation did not go well, it was a difficult conversation, I felt embrassed because I had to admit I had become a failure in all aspects.. Then I look at like for example my sister - a working mom of 3 kids ( I feel ashamed, she is not in a position to really help out with my mom, i feel pathetic - why can I not get a job, a steady boyfriend and look after my mom).

11.  Being a lousy adult daughter - in brief  my dad passed away & My mom bought me and my siblings up single handly - struggled, but gave us decent values, a good education, a roof over our heads. Now she is old,  her health is poor,  suffers from panic attacks -she doesnt get out much ( i’ve done as much as i can taking her out & about, since i’ve not been working). She hasnt got any  family apart from us kids, she doesnt have a social life, she not good with literacy - so I / someone has to look after her financial affairs. I enrolled her on literacy/numeracy classes - it didnt work out, she feels to old to learn new things. Do people see what I mean - its been such a struggle to get her out of a depressive state, to get her independent mobile - looking after her own - is not likely.  And going of, doing my thing - she feels left in the lurch, after last nights conversation she felt like a burden to us - her children. She says she gave so much, the best years of her life to us ( she did) and now shes old, its her time to recieve /expect that love, care support she gave us - its not happening and its half- hearted ( meaning me).

12. Kids - i regret that I may not have any, but accepted that this maybe likely. To explain I havent felt the yearning despite the fact many people have pointed out the obvious - my biological clock is ticking. I believe ( an idealist) that I should be in a stable relationship, with somewhat stable finances to bring up a child - otherwise its a godarn unpleasant struggle - having a child with out this would be selfish on my part. But way I’m going, getting older, being poorer - it aint likely, or it might be too late by the time etc etc. I always thought - if i practically could apart from having my own kids, I would adopt - give a kids who needs it a chance - have them give me a chance = fat chance of that happening. Life is unfair, things dont go your way - i know.

13. Health - I used to be way heavier than I was before I started here. I hate that I spent much of my adult life living it fat - i ate my way there.At the time it didnt seem to matter, i got through my exams, i had a decent job, i met a good few great guys and with them it didnt matter that I was fat, they were fit. During this time - v checked in on our mom - she became depressed, lonely with her life - her finances were a mess. Since my life has been a a stop still - apart from helping my mom - i TOOK  a hard look at myself - started to eat better, excercise from nothing to 3x a week ( including martial arts), lost weight at a very very snail pace - but its an achievement - a personal one - its is of no value to a perpective employer - i wish it was - its not.

 Theres my life 13 points - ever heard of the unlucky no.13. Point is how do I move on from it - i need to forgive myself for making such a mess of things - i orchastrated the mess - unknowinlgy - i did it - stupidly. But I need to forgive myself to move forward, to have that confidence when i talk to an employer - land that job,  have the next guy who makes me laugh interested in me, to make a better job of caring for my family - mainly mom and lead my life.  I need to get past this stage - be able to face my recent  past/my present and put it behind me to move on.

Please help - suggestions, thoughts, take on any of the 13.points is welcomed. I need to know what people think - so i’m not going mad. Even if you just read - thankyou- it helps knowing this - my fears / failures are out there - its not bottled up like a big secret I dont want, can’t face. x