scream

You know i go through this daily meditation  as you could call it.. to deal with my personal struggles…

I tell myself I am my own person, an adult  

I will be my own problem should I end up no luckier or worse going forward and I will deal with it - ( not be a burden on anyone else) ..

I will be able to get out of the screwup Im in - i’m trying - one of these DAYS I’ll get a break ( and thats not hooking up in marriage for convience / security - maybe I’m a fool for knocking it back or and believing in myself a little)..

Going on I also tell myself  I should pay no attention to well meant - at times - hurtful comments / looks from my family  including my mom and to a lesser extent mates about the poor state in my life. They dont know what the future holds any more than I do - I need to stay hopeful and work hard at getting myself out of this!

 I tell myself all this constantly - just wish AT times I wasnt doing it all alone, someone showed some belief / hope in me.

I never realised what a personal struggle was - I so want to turn this corner and never look back!

 Emigrating - I wish - or is that running way.

For the record have ate like crap today = 2morow I wil be strong - helps just to put it on a blog, know someone has read it - its not a big secret in me.

 thankyou for reading.

For those who read my self-pity blog .. a few blogs earlier.. self-pity is a downward spiral & I’m ashamed to say I have been on it ( and mybe to a lesser extent still on it) !

I’ve trying to shake myself out of it - I have been active, doing things, took a mini-break to bring harsh life realities back into perspective. I get out of bed a a decent godly hour in the morning, I am applying for jobs,  I’ve done som diy for my mom , babysat for others ( to give them a break)… The focus has been to keep moving, active, get my life on track and then BLIP…   this guy I’ve  known since highschool has been asking me to marry him - if I do its all about convenience ( which is why I’m hesistating).. I  care for him - that’s it period -  but its not love and he knows and it doesnt bother him .People around me think I’m mad for not going for it, saying I should take a chance - marrying for convience can lead to a v.good life -   saying he take care of me,  could hava a decent start to when I have a family, no worries about finances  ( normal security blah blah). 

I’m very confused at the moment - too many opinated people around me telling me I’m going to be such an idiot for missing such a good chance - what does everyone out there think??  Sometimes I just want to emigrate / dissapear - really.   I know mainly my family want me to go for it - is because deep down there dissapointed I havent settled down and its not like I’ve been establishing a great career in the meantime - far from it - they want me to get on and Mr.high school reliable seems to them is throwing me a life-line ( and them).

I’m feeling the pressure of saying no, later on still struggling to get on my feet ( get on in life)  and everyone telling me I told u so - u idiot - what If I’m telling myself that later on down the line!  I believe I should say no - because I’d be doing it for convience , i’m an idealist and believe being with someone should be a bit deeper than that - my friends say that’s the problem - i’m too much of an idealist - see this for what it is - good, stable chance to be settle - he so much of a mr.reliable, just take it, not like there is another offer on the table.. ( an exciting life’s waiting instead).

I’m confused - I cant believe I’m putting all this on a blog - but i need to hear from you all out there - I need to know whether you all think i’m a fool for not going for this or vice versa going for it. !!  Ur Thoughts are MUCH neeeded please - thanx!

I am writing absolute rubbish nowdays - but writing ( i believe to myself ) is addictive.. last night on my way home I ate a Egg Mayo Sandwich it had 450 cals … then I thought I hav a little dark choclate ( if its milk I eat it all - if its dark I find I can pace myself) - well that was 200 cals .. then I had a little lemon cheesecake slice a little later that was 400 cals. So all in all i ate my daily Kcal allowance in one evening meal - it was so easily done & it was so little.. its so easy to become fat ( I know this is a non-brainer, but still). 

Hey - my life aint a dream at the moment - far from it. I am struggling to give it a shake in the a new direction ( I pray to god I do it,  I dont know when did life become such a mental struggle…) enought of that. To shake it up - give myself a new perspective I took a short break, out of home, neighbourhood, country .. (I wish I could say it was a well derserved break - hell its not - (as I do nowt).. its not even one I can afford.. been saving the red plastic card for a bad time & thought I would use it as a pick me up now). On my vacation to a less fortunate place ( economical than uk)  but sunny, seasidy I came across so many hard working , lean people - they looked so good, they worked so hard - I was a bit in awe of them .. It is such a plastic (fickle) thought - I know - but they all looked so darn good - I can be like that! Its a vision among others but has pushed to the forefront of my brain  - I see it, I want to be it ! Back working, looking good :)