scream

Its strange sat on a pc, I probably going to be the most honest I have been with a blog than I am with my friends and family. I don’t know how to turn my life around, I just dont know. 

 The harsh equally pathetic reality is I have grown up to become a Nobody. I always thought making something of myself was going to be a battle ( I was bought up in a single parent family , with a conservative outlook), at worse I thought I would become a housewife and in reality worse I faded into becoming a Nobody.

Its not just my weight - that is the tip of the iceberg - its my entire life - its pathetic- its nothing. ON the weight front I have been eating junk over the last 5 days - I dont know why - I’ve still gone to the gym but you know - no calorie deficit = no results:( 

My life consists of  no boyfriend, nevermind the husband or kids - most people around my age have. I’m not shy or anything - just not having the luck .I can’t even get a job at the moment, havent had one for a while.  My finances are shot,  my wardrobe becomes  cheaper by the day, my car has been scrapped.  I don’t know what to talk to people about, cos I have no life to talk about - I dont know how it has amounted to this and Worse I dont know how to get out of it all?

Do i pick the first man that comes along who fits the bill  - cos of the  body clock issue. You know a freind suggested I hook up with this bloke whoes keen on me - he has a conservative outlook in life, he doesnt look great (is overwieght), has a v.good job and always cracking jokes ( that dont make me laugh). I’m not a vain person, i do look beyond looks and know am spurned by personality then anyting else (looks or wallet) but I declined. I don’t want my life to be that, yet the alternative is its worse - nothing at the moment you know - who am I to decline? Am I my own worst enemy ? 

I’ve been out of work for a while -do i take the nxt job, even if the wages are absolutely crap and my higher education diploma may as well not count. Will anybody even give me a job - cos HOW do i explain all this time I have been out of work - effectively a bludger on society, its not like I was a stay at home mom or anything.  I’ve spent this time with my family, looking after or rather providing company for  my mom - she was v. depressed by being on her own for such along time - so I’ve spent the time doing her home up, getting her out and about = it kept me busy for a while but in the back of my head there this voice that keeps saying ur life is a waste and u’ve have made it this yourself and its too late too get it back on track - nevermind knowing where to begin. I need help I just dont know have or know who to turn to.

Everyone around me, my close friends and siblings are getting on with their lives, moving, having kids, new jobs and much of the time I think they have accepted that my life is patheically this - no one is giving me that kick up the backside. I just feel I am watching life go by - ever1s life is moving in some direction except mine and it is all my fault it is this.

I live on public transport , and walk where possible to free the money up for the next workout session.

I do believe in god, destiny - the idea that ur life goes up and down… but for a couple of years now my life just seems to be going down, down. I remember at one point I had a man, money, job i liked, wide circle of friends and overweight body. Now i have no man, no money, no job , smaller circle of friends and a fitter body than what it was. U do hear about people who go through life as drifters no real job, no real family to call their own, no families /friends ( as you fade out when people have there own families) = maybe I’m destined to become such a person - half way there.  

 I’m drifting in life , its my fault I know. Its like the people my friends and family around me look at me with pity but dont say they just let me carry on drifting = no1 stopping me and saying shake up your life and I cant seem to shake it up myself .Am I too old to turn my life around now, is it too late? God its not like I have an addiction problem - far from it, then why can’t I make things better, how can I snap out of this. My life has been pathetic for so long - I hate it, I hate myself for becoming a Nobody. My worst fear my whole life will be this = amounting to nothing = what a waste I’ve become.